when i wasn't too busy being lonely, i'd stare over his shoulder at a map of the world

rage.
of the perpetual variety.
it subsided when the rain came, in that sweeping "maybe it will wash this all away" variety.
but my heart lurched when the clouds parted; it seemed that the least the heavens could do is feel the same way i do, and it is in fact always raining within my mind.

but enough patty griffin and i start to calm down, enough, even, that i can start to focus, which i haven't been able to do for a while (though this is clearly because i'm stupid, and not because, say, because my dyslexia gets worse when i'm stressed or because i stopped taking my anti-anxiety meds shortly before i started freaking out all the time, because i got crap for taking them). i calmed enough, even, that i could add an entry to my newly-begun list of things that make me happy.

i can't wait to get into my car and drive somewhere-- anywhere. maybe just to assert that i'm not stuck here, or to have some time and space that's just mine, some place unadulterated, without idiotic memories attached to it. i just need enough distance to aver that there does exist a space and time wherein i'm no longer... any of the jumble of emotions that i am... and then i can come back and function like a normal person and pretend that i don't feel like i'm selling out. or maybe i wouldn't feel that way any more, if i could get away from this for a while. times like this, i'm so effin' happy i don't have a cell phone. i forgot how nice it could feel to be unreachable.