pretending the echoes belong to someone

the last disc of the first season of twin peaks won't copy. in the grand scheme of things, this doesn't really bother me, as it's one more thing going wrong in a long list of things going wrong. at least this isn't life-shattering, since it's just a dvd, and all. i really can't even muster disappointment, though i imagine that's probably due to being unable to muster much of anything at the moment.

i'm thoroughly disturbed by the lack of literature available about being gay and a young female; in the seven libraries in this town, one can find a single book dealing with the subject, whereas men, who have always had an easier time establishing for themselves a creative space, have handfuls. still not terrific, but alternate stories about the same subject matter. different ways the story could end. here in denton, the girls only get one. i haven't read it yet, though i'm about to, since i'm curious to see what one story is available for the telling here. i look back on the people that i've known and i think about all of their stories, stories that somebody, somewhere should tell, and that only makes me wonder how many more stories like that are out there, waiting to be told.

i guess it just irks me to think that a straight teenager can go to the library and check out a bunch of books by an author that they really like, books that deal with parents and life and relationships from a straight perspective, but the good old queer kids get to read the one book offered, if they can find it, and then go back to reading the straight teen literature, because it's either that, or just not reading at all. and let's put aside the argument that it's potentially damaging to the psychological development of these kids, and just go with the simple fact that it's not fair. and i don't really have a soft spot in my heart for things that are blatantly unfair.

i guess it's easier to focus on how i can fix a world that's ultimately broken than it is to focus on how to fix my own life; but then again, maybe i believe that fixing the world would make everything else fall into place. i don't know if it's hope that the world outside me would fall together and make things suddenly and magically work, or a secret hope that if only i were fitter, happier, more productive, maybe things wouldn't be so rocky.